Totally Legitimate Reasons That I Can’t Go for a Run

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It’s too early in the morning. I would go for a run, but I also believe that I need sleep and deserve to keep lying in bed, indefinitely.

It’s too late at night. I could go for a run, but I worked hard today, so never mind.

I recently read that you should eat breakfast before you work out. Your body needs fuel. I really want to go for a run, but the thing is my run will actually be better if I eat a full English breakfast beforehand.

Wow, I just finished an incredible plate of eggs and beans. The time is right for a run, but running with a full stomach can lead to indigestion, so I’ll need to wait several weeks.

My phone says that it might rain in ten hours.

It’s windy.

It’s so cold, and I own a really soft fleece blanket. According to research from a team of Danish scientists, I should curl up under it instead of going for a run.

It’s so hot. A study by Swedish scientists concluded that running when it’s hot is bad. Yes, bad no matter what, even if you wear a hat or have one of those belts with tiny water bottles attached to it. I believe the study also said that those belts are confusing and make you look like a water officer.

I’m supposed to meet a friend in six hours. If I go for a run, I might enjoy it so much that I end up running for the full six hours. I’m a good friend and I don’t want to be late, so even though I would love to go for a run I will not.

I already took a shower today. If I go for a run, I will have to shower a second time, and that would use too much water. I care about the environment, so I will abstain from running.

I have no clean running clothes.

I have too many cute running outfits and I can’t choose which one to put on. Instead, I will continue to wear my nightgown.

I think I hear a parade outside. The people may need my running path, so I will cede it to them.

I think I hear a high-school track team outside. I will be generous and allow these worthy youths the use of the entire running path, even after they have left it.

I think I hear something crushing metal outside? Like, some kind of construction-related grinding?

Possible floods.

I might be getting sick. I’m not sick yet, but I’m getting that feeling in the back of my nose, where it transitions to the ring-a-ding section, also known as the uvula. Instead of running, I should really get into bed and let my immune system do its good, preventative work. I’m sorry, but that’s what I read in my self-published anti-running zine, “Simply Stay in Bed, Plus.”

There will be people with big dogs. I don’t have a problem with big dogs, but I like little dogs better and people usually take their little dogs for walks later in the day. At least, that’s what I’ve been noticing in my neighborhood. One of them even wears a denim jacket!

The little dogs used to come out at around five, but lately it’s been more like six, so I’m going to check my e-mail.

Actually, sometimes it’s more like seven.

Yikes, that was so much e-mail. Unfortunately, now it’s dark out, and running in the dark, as we all know, isn’t safe. Maybe I should go to the gym.

Oops, I forgot that the gym exposes me to germs and a spirited exercise community. For my health and emotional well-being, I regret that I cannot enter the gym.

It’s time to watch “General Hospital” on Hulu.


Kerry Elson

2020-01-01 06:00:00

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