November 27, 2021

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Beware the Piano-Man! | The New Yorker

2 min read
Photograph by Piotr Powietrzynski / Getty

It’s five o’clock on a Saturday.
The horror is set to begin.
There’s an old man screaming next to me,
“Don’t let that Piano-Man in!

“That monster’s half man, half piano.
He’s already eaten my son!
And his teeth are all keys—jagged ivories—
And the terror’s only just begun.”

La-di-AHHHH!!! Di-di-AHH! AHHHHHH!
The law? They won’t help you now. . . .

Run for your lives—it’s the Piano-Man!
Long Island is on high alert.
He shrieks, “Unlike the island you live on,
Your lives—they will be cut short!”

Now, John, at the bar, was a friend of mine;
He got me my drinks for free.
He was quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke,
But, unfortunately, he’s now deceased.

’Cause the Piano-Man hung him with a piano string,
Then gutted his intestines at that,
And said, “I used my knife! It’s my weapon for life,
’Cause somehow it’s both sharp and flat!”

Oh, Die! Die-die! Die die die dieeeee!
Die die, die die dieeee . . . die die!

No one in the town’s really certain
Of how this foul creature was born.
Some say ’twas a bite, by a piano, one night,
Some say Cheryl screwed a harpsichord.

But no place on the island is safe from him;
Both Nassau and Suffolk Counties he’ll haunt.
And, although it’s Long Island geographically,
We all know that Queens doesn’t count.

Beware the song of the Piano-Man!
Run if you hear his foul screech.
He’ll creep up to your ear and say with no fear,
“Coney Island’s better than Long Beach.”

Now Paul is crying in the corner,
And the monster starts closing in.
He says, “No need for a hearse; I’ll torture you first,
With a waterboard of tonic and gin!”

But the Piano-Man screams like a banshee,
Then asks if we have any requests.
So we confusedly ask for a piano song,
And he says, “No! How would you like your deaths?”

And the Piano-Man rears back his piano-head,
As his man-hand gives his knife a twirl.
But he screams out in pain: a bullet rips through his brain.
Holding the gun—is the Uptown Girl.

Oh, la, la-la, di-dee-da-da,
La-la, di-dee-da, da-dum.

But he might return, the Piano-Man.
You’re never safe; just wait and see!
But you can avoid him, if you try to;
You just have to buy tix for Billy Joel at M.S.G.


More Humor

Felipe Torres Medina, Dru Johnston
2021-10-28 06:00:00

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